Being a Widow Sucks. There - I Said It.

Being a widow sucks. It is by far the most difficult thing I have had to do in this life, and I don’t wish it on anyone.

Even those mean girls who have said hateful things…

Even the one person in elementary school who told me I look like Miss Piggy. And honestly, I actually like Miss Piggy. She’s very fashionable. She has been in love with the same man her entire life. She’s an astute businesswoman, and she knows karate. 

At the time, I was extremely upset, but now I know it was all part of God’s refining process, and I truly have no problem with someone comparing me to Miss Piggy.

My husband has been gone over six years now. And while I met him later in life—at a funeral of all places—I have loved no person more, and I have never been loved better than by him. Now, that doesn’t account for my beautiful boys, who I would do anything for and pray daily on my knees for.

But being alone… these six-plus years of managing my own emotions, thoughts, finances, landscaping, car maintenance, the house upkeep, boys school, sports, my own health, my businesses, bills, what streaming service is best, etc.? Many days it is too much to bear.

Yet God has allowed it. Therefore, it is meant to be.

While my human emotions get the best of me some days, most days God gives me what I need for that day. I rely on Him, and I push down those emotions that I’m sure anyone would have.

But honestly… I just long for the love I once had.

I know where my husband is. And I know where my sister is, too—she passed in 2016. Honestly, I’ll never understand her death. I’ll never really get past it. It was such a shock. It felt like a murder. It happened so quickly.

And there were so many variables—not only that went into her death, but the things preceding her death—that I don’t have answers to. And even if I did have those answers… would it change anything?

No. It wouldn’t.

And yet, these are the things I think about daily—along with the constant question of: How can I be the best support to my boys, clients and community? How can I help? How can I try my hardest to be both mother and father to my boys?  How?

Andrew is 23. I guess he’s not a boy anymore.  But I pray for him daily. I lift my boys up all the time and pray that God will be their Father, and that their faith will be their faith—not my faith.

Garret is a senior in high school. Right now he’s being recruited to play football at various smaller schools, and it’s been an exciting ride. I’ve done the best I can. I’ve Googled. I’ve talked to every person I can think of—people who were recruited and played in college, all the way to dear friends of ours who played in the NFL.

More than anything, I want God to guide both of my boys’ steps. Their faith can’t be my faith, 

I want them to go through struggle if it will make them into the men God designed them to be. Because character comes from struggle and perseverance—and if we do it right, all of that ends in hope.

These things, I lay at Christ’s feet daily.

And then… I still have to do all the stupid things. Car maintenance. Landscaping. Taxes. House maintenance. Making sure Garret is at the right school. I have communicated with so many coaches this year—both stalking them on Instagram and Facebook, and actually reaching out—along with meeting with a beautiful mother who helped her boys find the right colleges and get the best opportunities….And then there’s the part where I get on my knees and pray to do the best that I can… as someone who never played football in her life.

My late husband, Lee, would have loved this.  He would have been all over it. He would have thought it was the best thing, and he probably would have done much better than I’ve done.

But I have to rest and rely on the fact that Jesus has us—so my lack of knowledge and experience won’t hinder Garret’s future progress, or the future progress of Andrew.

And I don’t want these words to feel sad. I want them to help other people who have experienced similar situations realize they’re not alone. I want them to know it’s okay to waver—as long as our roots are deep. - I think of a tree, and how deep those roots run that we can’t even see. We only see the part that sticks out of the ground. We see the waves. We see the wind that blows in the branches, and sometimes even bends the tree a little bit. But the deep truth is that the foundation runs so deeply, that tree will not blow over.

And that’s what we have to remember about our faith in Jesus. Or at least… that’s what I have to remember.

I long and pray for fun times. I pray to not be concerned about all the things,  It was just so much more fun when I had someone to do it with.  I don’t mind struggle…it’s having nobody to do it alongside that gets to me.

My sweet friend and mentor, Chalene, has always told me: You’ve always got to give something positive. Leave them on a positive note. Give guidance. Give recommendations. Give best practices.

So here’s the upside of all this: I’m closer and more deeply connected to Christ than I’ve ever been. And what feels like human failure is many times His exact plan to keep us so tight and locked into Him—because we have no other choice.

A friend of mine once told me she didn’t think I really needed anything, because I looked like everything was going okay. To this day, I’m not real sure how to take that.

How does one in my situation act in public? Should I drag my knuckles on the ground and wear a sad look on my face and wear ugly clothes and have bad hair and no makeup?

I will never do that. I love hair and makeup and pretty clothes too much!

But also… does that shine the light of Jesus? No.

And while I’m sad and I struggle many days, I know what my future looks like. I know who holds it in His mighty right hand.  Not sure what I will do with these….but if they somehow encourage someone else…. I will share. 

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. - Colossians 2:6-7

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.Colossians  - Isaiah 41:10